Being Single

Ok. I know a lot of my post are about boys, relationships and that fact that I'm pathetically single. (Although, update I am no longer the cat lady :D) But here's the deal. I'm at the point in my life where my friends start to couple off and start getting serious. This isn't high school dating where you're in love one moment and out of it the next. We're talking real world, let's get married and have kids. In fact almost half my friends are either in a relation ship that is heading down the isle, they have kids or some combination of the two. It happens. You hit twenty and things start to get serious.

Which I find kind of funny. Because this is our twenties. We are suppose to be reckless, stupid and impulsive. This is the time in our life when we're are a suppose to figure out life one mistake at a time. Yet all I see are partiers, people who you would never think would settle getting married and planning for the future.

I want it.

I know up above I said that that we are suppose to be free and easy now but I want it! I want to settle. I'm a domestic at heart and I want the husband, the picket fence and the 2.5 kids. All of it. The more it evades me the more I want it.

I was seriously born in the wrong decade. I should have been a 50's housewife. Yet I find myself single. Why? Because I want to settle down. It seems like the key to settling down is to NOT want it. Not wanting it appears to be the way to get it. Guys get scared of commitment upfront. They want the fun girl who is happy go lucky. Not the committed down to earth girl. When guys are single they are not out looking for who they are going to marry but rather who they want to have fun with. Then later the decided who they are going to settle down with. It's all very complicated in a simple kind of way.

New things and of course, boys

Hello my wonderful wonderful blog. I have missed you more then these stupid little words that I have can express. Sigh...it's good to be home.

So there have been some new things going on in my life and I haven't really had an outlet to push them on until now. :D For starters I've moved back to Oregon to try and restart my life (again). This seems to be a trend with me. Why? I have no freaking clue. And now we move on to one of my favorite topics because it control's most everything women do....boys.

Ah boys. How we love to hate you and hate to love you. Funny enough we also love to love you and love to leave you. We pretty much just love and hate everything about you. And the best part? Depending on what time of the month, our current alcohol intake and just for shits and giggles whatever movie/book we've just seen/read it's damn near impossible for you to know which of the above scenarios you fall into at the moment. But see, where we differ from boys is when we screw up (and yes it does happen...occasionally...don't get it into your heads boys. We will never admit defeat willingly) we get it. And we feel bad.

SIDE NOTE: I am talking about women who have actual hearts with actual feelings. Drunken Skanky Whores with no morals and no conscience need not apply. I'm talking about those gutter scavenging women who will sleep with anything with a penis because their fake boobs and bad nose jobs allow them to. And they some how feel superior because their longest relationship (four hours if you don't count the 45 minutes she was puking up a toxic mix of vodka and shame and he was texting his next bootycall) was so "emotional" and "I really loved him" meanwhile those of us who have been in a committed relationship that has seen more then one sunrise and sunset in the same 24 hour time period feel overwhelmingly jealous because the DSW gets more ass then we do. It's ok normal women who are not DSW sexbots, we eventually realize that while the walk of shame is ok in a blue moon, having more people recognize us for our morning after sex hair and distinct perfume of vomit, regret and tequila is not as rewarding as being recognized because they know our names and not what we were shouting at the party after our 8th or 9th shot. But hey, who's counting?

Back on topic now. Boys. Let's start with a recent example. Does every one remember That Girl. Come on we all know about her. She's the one you shoot daggers at as she passes you. You facebook stalk her and call every girl she talks to a slut and every guy she talks to she is probably sleeping with even though somewhere in the back of your mind you know she's nice and probably a good person. Women we don't create That Girl. Oh no. Boys do. See when a boy breaks up with you, doesn't notice your advances, or does take notice and decides to act but is still hung up on someone else but is complicatedly trying to work out his new feelings for you, he creates That Girl.

The one whom he kissed, hooked up with, hung out with, calls more then you, is all over his FB page, and the list goes on. She becomes the object of your hatred. The one who, if circumstances were different, would be in the running for your best friend. She has qualities that you find better then your self, and of course you think she has your man. Of course she doesn't have your man, and if she really did know how you felt she would back off. The boy creates this. Knowing that he shouldn't, and that someone is going to get hurt. Stupid stupid boys!!!

In short what I'm trying to say is that boys create a lot of the problems that they view "us women folk" make up. If they would just say how they feel and why we wouldn't have these issues. Of course it's all about being "manly" and "bringing home the bacon" Which normally I like, but in the case of being petty, kniving and creating drama where there previously was none is bad. BAD BAD BAD. Stupid boys.

Sorry this rant isn't very coherent but then again mine never are and I'm kinda pissed about it.

almost over

So this isn't going to be one of my profound posts. I just realized that april is almost over and I haven't written anything. So here it is


THE GREAT APRIL POST


hope you enjoyed it!

Did you forget?

Have you ever felt like your muse likes to play tricks on you? I'm pretty sure my muse lives for the practical joke.

I was in the car with my dad, my phone had died and I had no way of writing anything down when i sudden idea for a murder mystery hit me. Now those of you who know me know that I don't like murder mysteries, I don't read them and I definitely don't write them. I'm all about paranormal, romance and fantasy.

This whole story was played out in my head as we drove down the road. I saw the killer, the main characters, the setting, the plot twist, everything a writer normally struggles with (well me anyways) was all played out like a perfect movie in my head. I started to get excited about it and was messing around with character story lines, and how involved i wanted people with each other.

So when I get home, I have to feed my cat, switch laundry, empty and reload the dish washer and make sure the dogs get put outside with plenty of food and water. So by the time I sit down, I'm so tired I got to take a nap. I wake up and decide to get started on the story. One problem:

I don't remember anything.

At all.

I can't even remember what my main character's first name is. I stare at the horrible blank screen that all writers come to fear, willing my brain to remember one tiny detail to re spark my imagination. Of course, I come up empty.

This isn't the first time my muse has done this to me. Generally it happens at night, when I'm too tired to move but I get the greatest ideas. Leave it to the universe to give me the muse that is the practical joker.

On a more positive note, I think i might go get some french break.

Until next time :)

What I couldn't say...

To You:

I'm sorry for the pain I've caused, the heart I broke and the time I stole. I'm sorry for the tears, the hurt and the depression. I'm sorry for the lies between us and I'm sorry we grew apart.

I'm sorry for the love we shared that went somewhere else, and I'm sorry you didn't realize it too. I'm sorry I left without saying goodbye and I'm sorry I don't get to see you anymore. I'm sorry that talking to you hurts me somewhere and I'm sorry I can't seem to let it go.

I'm sorry that out of everything the fault lies with me. I'm sorry that I cry over you and I'm sorry that I can't stop. I'm sorry that I can't move on and I'm sorry that I don't try hard enough.

I'm sorry that every time I date, I compare that person to you. I'm sorry that my heart doesn't do what my mind tells it to. I'm sorry that I get quite everytime you bring it up. I'm sorry that I don't talk about my future because for me, right now I'm stuck.

I'm sure there will be someone, who will take my breath away. I'm sure there will be another love, another time and i'll wonder who you were. I'm sure that in the future you will be a distant memory. Something to laugh at with my children, about mommy's silly dream. I'm sure that later I'll stop blaming myself and I'm sure that anger will come.

There will be a time when your calls make me angry instead of happy and sad at the same time. There will be a time when I curse your name, and wonder why I tried. There will be a time when I don't wonder why you never loved me back. There will be a time when I won't wake up, crying for you to come back.

As for now I'll just try and make it, each and every day. With my painted smile and hidden laugh and let life go on. But I'll keep the secretes locked within, as I always do. About the pain I feel since you left, and the love that I cling to so dearly.

One day this will all fade, I know that to be true, but right here, right now it's not. All I have are these words, the ones that I can't change.

The ones that I can't say.

Love,

Me

Taking my own advice

Have you ever noticed that it's incredibly hard to take your own advice? Ok, take me for instance. I have predicted my friends relationships, almost down to the day of what will happen, but my relationships? I might as well be senseless because I never can do what I've told everyone else. This is true in all things, not just relationships.

I pride myself on always being able to think logically and see every point of view. I can understand where people are coming from, and how they got to that conclusion, regardless of my personal views and feelings. I can look at my life, at the decisions I've made and see where I went wrong, and how I ended up where I am today. Does that stop me from making the same damn mistake? Of course not!

I guess it all comes down to being human. We all, on the barest of levels, have the same emotions, same desires. We all want to survive the best way we know how. It's why those who have nothing have everything and those who have everything are always searching for something else. We learn from what we are given, not from what we have. If we are given nothing, then our survival instincts tell us that we need nothing to survive (please don't take this literally, we all NEED food and water...)If we have been given everything, then our survival instincts will tell us that we need everything and will therefore search out everything.

Back to my original point, it's hard to take my own advice because my instincts are trained one way. While my thoughts may know something is stupid and not logical in anyway, I have trained my instincts, or jerk reactions, etc. to do differently, and so in the end I will do differently, because I haven't trained myself any other way.

This theory applies to everything from repeat abuse victims to people addicted to coffee. If you've never known anything different, how are you to know anything different? It's kinda like the old hypothetical situation, if every one had three legs, six arms and four eyes then some one with two arms, legs and eyes would be weird.

Wow...I've gotten off on some random train of thought here, so I think I'll give it a rest for tonight anyways. Being smart all the time hurts my brain :)

Old Friends

Today while I was being lazy on the couch I got a call from one of my best friends, ex boyfriend and all around good guy. Man, I haven't talked to him in years. He is my go to guy. It doesn't matter how much we hate each other, we could always call one another to get everything off our chest. Even if it was about that person. And the other one would listen to everything the other had to say and then talk to them about it. It was great. He was the only person who could calm me down when I would get mad, the only one who could make me smile when I was depressed and I have missed him.

We only talked for an hour, which I think is the shortest time we've ever talked on the phone. I didn't realize how much I counted on him to be my center until I discussed everything that has happened with me lately. And of course, him being him, put it all into perspective for me, because that's what he does.

We were on one of our random tangents and he said that he knew all about my past, and it didn't change his opinion of me and I told him that he doesn't count because he is in a category of his own. Which is true. He's the one person who I have always been able to count on, no matter what. Other people have faded in an out of my life but he is always the same. I love the fact that we can go two years, or two minutes, without talking to each other, and there never seems like there is a time difference between us. We pick up right where we left of.

It's good to know that friends like that still exist.