What I couldn't say...

To You:

I'm sorry for the pain I've caused, the heart I broke and the time I stole. I'm sorry for the tears, the hurt and the depression. I'm sorry for the lies between us and I'm sorry we grew apart.

I'm sorry for the love we shared that went somewhere else, and I'm sorry you didn't realize it too. I'm sorry I left without saying goodbye and I'm sorry I don't get to see you anymore. I'm sorry that talking to you hurts me somewhere and I'm sorry I can't seem to let it go.

I'm sorry that out of everything the fault lies with me. I'm sorry that I cry over you and I'm sorry that I can't stop. I'm sorry that I can't move on and I'm sorry that I don't try hard enough.

I'm sorry that every time I date, I compare that person to you. I'm sorry that my heart doesn't do what my mind tells it to. I'm sorry that I get quite everytime you bring it up. I'm sorry that I don't talk about my future because for me, right now I'm stuck.

I'm sure there will be someone, who will take my breath away. I'm sure there will be another love, another time and i'll wonder who you were. I'm sure that in the future you will be a distant memory. Something to laugh at with my children, about mommy's silly dream. I'm sure that later I'll stop blaming myself and I'm sure that anger will come.

There will be a time when your calls make me angry instead of happy and sad at the same time. There will be a time when I curse your name, and wonder why I tried. There will be a time when I don't wonder why you never loved me back. There will be a time when I won't wake up, crying for you to come back.

As for now I'll just try and make it, each and every day. With my painted smile and hidden laugh and let life go on. But I'll keep the secretes locked within, as I always do. About the pain I feel since you left, and the love that I cling to so dearly.

One day this will all fade, I know that to be true, but right here, right now it's not. All I have are these words, the ones that I can't change.

The ones that I can't say.

Love,

Me

Taking my own advice

Have you ever noticed that it's incredibly hard to take your own advice? Ok, take me for instance. I have predicted my friends relationships, almost down to the day of what will happen, but my relationships? I might as well be senseless because I never can do what I've told everyone else. This is true in all things, not just relationships.

I pride myself on always being able to think logically and see every point of view. I can understand where people are coming from, and how they got to that conclusion, regardless of my personal views and feelings. I can look at my life, at the decisions I've made and see where I went wrong, and how I ended up where I am today. Does that stop me from making the same damn mistake? Of course not!

I guess it all comes down to being human. We all, on the barest of levels, have the same emotions, same desires. We all want to survive the best way we know how. It's why those who have nothing have everything and those who have everything are always searching for something else. We learn from what we are given, not from what we have. If we are given nothing, then our survival instincts tell us that we need nothing to survive (please don't take this literally, we all NEED food and water...)If we have been given everything, then our survival instincts will tell us that we need everything and will therefore search out everything.

Back to my original point, it's hard to take my own advice because my instincts are trained one way. While my thoughts may know something is stupid and not logical in anyway, I have trained my instincts, or jerk reactions, etc. to do differently, and so in the end I will do differently, because I haven't trained myself any other way.

This theory applies to everything from repeat abuse victims to people addicted to coffee. If you've never known anything different, how are you to know anything different? It's kinda like the old hypothetical situation, if every one had three legs, six arms and four eyes then some one with two arms, legs and eyes would be weird.

Wow...I've gotten off on some random train of thought here, so I think I'll give it a rest for tonight anyways. Being smart all the time hurts my brain :)

Old Friends

Today while I was being lazy on the couch I got a call from one of my best friends, ex boyfriend and all around good guy. Man, I haven't talked to him in years. He is my go to guy. It doesn't matter how much we hate each other, we could always call one another to get everything off our chest. Even if it was about that person. And the other one would listen to everything the other had to say and then talk to them about it. It was great. He was the only person who could calm me down when I would get mad, the only one who could make me smile when I was depressed and I have missed him.

We only talked for an hour, which I think is the shortest time we've ever talked on the phone. I didn't realize how much I counted on him to be my center until I discussed everything that has happened with me lately. And of course, him being him, put it all into perspective for me, because that's what he does.

We were on one of our random tangents and he said that he knew all about my past, and it didn't change his opinion of me and I told him that he doesn't count because he is in a category of his own. Which is true. He's the one person who I have always been able to count on, no matter what. Other people have faded in an out of my life but he is always the same. I love the fact that we can go two years, or two minutes, without talking to each other, and there never seems like there is a time difference between us. We pick up right where we left of.

It's good to know that friends like that still exist.