My Dream

Hello readers!

Last night I woke up at about five thirty am crying. Not just small little tears, these where heart wrenching sobs. I was hard core bawling and clutching my pillow. Why? well it started with a dream that taught me two things, one of which is my best friend has some how become my subconscious. (If you knew her, you would all be shuddering in fear, it's a scary thought)

We lived in the trailer we use to live in for about two months, but this trailer was in California for some unknown reason. I was going out grocery shopping on the beach and I ran into my ex, and love of my life, with his new wife and five kids. He was happy, he was in love and he had a family. All the things that we were suppose to have but because of different events we could no longer have. Of course, seeing him with the life we were suppose to have shook me a little so I stopped shopping and went back home to tell my best friend about the happenings of that day.

She was standing in the kitchen cooking (which she never does...ever) while i sat at the kitchen table and told her about my ex. She turned and started to scream and yell at me about how it was all my fault. If I wasn't such a screw up I could have been the one happily married with the man I love. That I made him lie to me, and that it was all my fault that I couldn't have kids. If I would have ignored his obvious mistakes and just kept my mouth shut like a good little woman then I could have been happy.

I ran to my room and slammed the door (well i can't really slam a poncho which was my door in the trailer but it slammed). Her voice only got louder telling me how it was all my fault. She opened the poncho and told me that he was my one chance at love and since I lost it I would never be happy and never find love again. After that i woke up, sobbing.

I love my best friend and I know her well enough to know that even if all the above were true, she still would never say anything that hurtful to me. I even told her all about the dream and she reassured me that she would never say anything like that. The issue doesn't lie with her, it's my own stupid subconscious.

Even though it's been over two years since i last talked to or heard from my ex, the pain he caused me is still there but so is the love. I love him with my whole being and I wonder if I will ever stop. And like any textbook victim I always return to myself to wonder if it was something i did. Had I done something different or said something or didn't say something. Something I did had to be at fault. It had to.

I don't sit in my room and pine over him and let this whole thing control my every move. Most days I can go hours without thinking about it, but when my guard is down, if I've had a really bad day i think about how he would make it all better, and how i don't have that anymore. And I cry over it. I'm not a depressing person, I'm generally happy person who can see things in a bright light but every one has their dark moments, and this is one of mine.