I'm not your princess

Hello fellow readers!

A few things are happening in my life right now. First is super exciting and the second is more of a personal best.

First is something I'm incredibly excited for! My mother was once a part of an organization called Americorps. (If you don't know what Americorps is, I highly encourage you to go to their website) So when I was looking for employment, my mother told me I should check out their site. I didn't have to necessarily do what she did because they had different divisions for different people. So I poked around the site for a while before I came to the NCCC spot. I read over the description and decided to apply, not really knowing what I was getting my self into, but I figured it couldn't hurt to apply right? Well after my application was received I got a letter in the mail telling me that I passed the application process and was now into my interview stage.

I couldn't believe it! After months of trying to find a job everywhere else i could think of, the non profit was the one who gave me the interview. I decided that since I was going to have an interview I should look a little further into what I had applied for. Seriously, go to youtube and type in Americorps NCCC......it's amazing the results you get! I watched every youtube video they had, read over every piece of information Americorps sent me and I don't know how many times I have read the handbook. Every time I read something, or watch a video, or e-mail a person from NCCC the more and more excited I get!

The ten month commitment seems like somthing that is right up my ally! For all of you who tell me that I have a "bleeding heart" I have finaly found something that I have been looking for! I have always felt a need to serve others. (time for a random Krys sidenote and rant) I hate the term "less fortunate". These people arn't always less fortunate then us, they could be anyone, from any background, rich or poor, black, white, brown, red, blue or green. Everyone needs help sometimes. It doesn't matter who you are, there will always be times in your life where you need extra help, and that's where groups like Americorps and other orginzations come in, that is what they are there for. (Done ranting for now)

Getting back on track here, NCCC is a ten month commitment where I live on one of three campuses across the US to help those in need. (NOT less fortunate ;)) It's going to be hard work, ridiculous living conditions, and I will get to know my team members more then I probably would ever want to. And I can't wait! My calling is to serve others, and now I am presented with an opportunity to do just that!

On the flip side, this would be my second year out of college. And while I feel like that ten months would be a reasonable excuse to miss school, (and, in my opinion the best reason) I believe it will give me a chance to really look at my life. I won't be struggling, worrying if I'm going to have a place to live next week. All in all I believe this is a step in the right direction!

So I need all your good wishes and prayers! My interview is either Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday. I'm so nervous! I've been going over possible questions and answers in my head and it just makes me more nervous! But i'm confident in my desire, and passion to work, not to mention my steller record. But enough tooting my own horn. I really want this to happen. So I'm doing the same thing I did when i applied to Prep, It's never if, it's always when! But prayers still can't hurt!

So onto the second part of this fun stuff...well it kinda of applies to the first but it's different. When {;)} I get into Americorps NCCC as well as looking at what i'm going to do school wise, I'm also going to look at my life, really look at it. As most of you know, last April was a time of great distress in my life, and it only snowballed from there. I'm going to take this time to heal from all those wounds i suffered from last year. This is 2009, and it will be better then 2008. I will learn how to handle my anger t words members of my life and I will learn to forgive.

I need to be able to do this in my life, and a ten month vacation from family drama and all other things in my life, will be nice. This may seem like i'm using NCCC as scape goat when it's just the opposite. Sometimes in life, we all just need to get away and if i can escape, while helping people, more power to me!

In short, NCCC is going to be the answer to my prayers. I get to serve, I get to reflect and I get to know my self better. Not to mention the limetime friends I am sure to make there! So come September, I will be starting my life over.

I'm thinking of changing my name again. I seem to do that everytime I start over....hmmmm.....well goodbye Krys hello Kay!

My Dream

Hello readers!

Last night I woke up at about five thirty am crying. Not just small little tears, these where heart wrenching sobs. I was hard core bawling and clutching my pillow. Why? well it started with a dream that taught me two things, one of which is my best friend has some how become my subconscious. (If you knew her, you would all be shuddering in fear, it's a scary thought)

We lived in the trailer we use to live in for about two months, but this trailer was in California for some unknown reason. I was going out grocery shopping on the beach and I ran into my ex, and love of my life, with his new wife and five kids. He was happy, he was in love and he had a family. All the things that we were suppose to have but because of different events we could no longer have. Of course, seeing him with the life we were suppose to have shook me a little so I stopped shopping and went back home to tell my best friend about the happenings of that day.

She was standing in the kitchen cooking (which she never does...ever) while i sat at the kitchen table and told her about my ex. She turned and started to scream and yell at me about how it was all my fault. If I wasn't such a screw up I could have been the one happily married with the man I love. That I made him lie to me, and that it was all my fault that I couldn't have kids. If I would have ignored his obvious mistakes and just kept my mouth shut like a good little woman then I could have been happy.

I ran to my room and slammed the door (well i can't really slam a poncho which was my door in the trailer but it slammed). Her voice only got louder telling me how it was all my fault. She opened the poncho and told me that he was my one chance at love and since I lost it I would never be happy and never find love again. After that i woke up, sobbing.

I love my best friend and I know her well enough to know that even if all the above were true, she still would never say anything that hurtful to me. I even told her all about the dream and she reassured me that she would never say anything like that. The issue doesn't lie with her, it's my own stupid subconscious.

Even though it's been over two years since i last talked to or heard from my ex, the pain he caused me is still there but so is the love. I love him with my whole being and I wonder if I will ever stop. And like any textbook victim I always return to myself to wonder if it was something i did. Had I done something different or said something or didn't say something. Something I did had to be at fault. It had to.

I don't sit in my room and pine over him and let this whole thing control my every move. Most days I can go hours without thinking about it, but when my guard is down, if I've had a really bad day i think about how he would make it all better, and how i don't have that anymore. And I cry over it. I'm not a depressing person, I'm generally happy person who can see things in a bright light but every one has their dark moments, and this is one of mine.